The good submissive

Just be Reading the headline some of you know that im bloging about a potensiale mine-field.
The easy answer to my headline is a women that is fully aware of who she is and what she need.
But if that was the only two answars this blog easily could end now.
Let me try to answer from a Dominant ( My persepective) on whats is a good submissive.

Many things contribute to being a good submissive and it is a personal evolution that occurs within each submissive. How far a person gets into the submissive role is a choice only she can make but often this journey needs the steady hand of a Dominant. Finding the right person to help make that journey can really complete the road for a submissive and equally be all bad if the wrong person is trying to teach a submisives different roles. There are certain characteristics that are found in many successful submissives.

Evry Dominant prefers to be served in a different way dependent on their personal style and needs. A submissive engaged in a D/s relationship should be sensitive to the needs of their Dominant and take the time to explore those needs and preferences.
Knowledge is everything and this is where a lot of submissives fail..
They dont explore their Dominant and they fail to learn.

A good submissive should be self aware. she should be able to accept and admit their faults as well as their strengths and be honest about their limitations. The ability to communicate effectively also plays a huge role in the success of a submissive; the communication does not always need to be verbal. Your ability to express your desires as well as your struggles will help you build a closer bond with me as a Dominant and create a more satisfying play experience.

A common mistake many newbie submissives make is to present themselves as to arrogante.
“i don`t need you attitude” is a no-go strategy with many Dominants ans me as well.
Arrogance is unattractive in many situations and is a sexual turn-off for me as a  Dominant. It is important to know what your limits are and be honest if you do not know. Submissives who present themselves as having no limits at all can be a red flag and also is a sign of  no experience or BDSM knowledge.

A submissive should be suitable in personality and attitude for me as a Dominant. Ultimately the most important characteristics of a successful submissive are the characteristics valued by the Dominant of the relationship. As a submissive, she should be aibel to lean towards me as a Dominant, never just because I said so, but because it is just what you need ( the none verbal communication)
For those only engaging casual play scenes where the BDSM relationship is not as serious or committed it will always be much harder to succeed as a good submissive, because playing is far from the same as living !
And of course makes it even harder for me as a Dominant to say if you are a good submissive for the same reasons.
To sum this all up….
The good submissive is strong, self aware, she explores her Dominant, she is humble and honest, she is good in communication ( verbal and non-verbal) she gives feedback and……………….


She knows that her submissiveness is a gift and the fuel for the Good Dominant.

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The psychological aspects

The ability to understand the other person is what allows one to take control. This is true in all aspects of life. understanding her psychological needs is crucial.

I see so many who make the statement about getting control of the heart and you can control all. Unfortunately for those who buy into this, I found it to be not true. My experience is that if you can penetrate a sub at a deep level, right down to her core, then you can take over all of her submission.

For this to take place, one must be able to psychologically take control. Again, any meathead can use fear as a tactic. This is shallow and ineffective. Psychological control means understanding what the submissive is seeking. What does she get out of her submission and service to you? What are her fears? Where does she feel vulnerable? What does she want? Those who can answer these questions have a chance of reaching the true depths of this experience. Sadly, few have any clue about these subjects.

Growth is an important factor in the BDSM relationship. Dominats who do not continually focus upon this area are bound to lose a submissive. This is one of her strongest needs even though she might term it something different. A Master’s duty is to take a person, gain her trust to the degree she gives all over, and help foster her along a path which leads to her fulfillment and happiness.
A fulfilled submissive is one who has reached the peak of her existence.
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For a submissive to continually grow, that means the dominant one also must focus attention on my own growth. Sadly, most prefer to live by the rule “do as I say, not as I do”. This does not work. If you want your submissive to be the best she can be, that is only possible because you became the best Master I could be.

While I touched upon the psychological aspects of things, this is only the tip of the iceberg. The psychology field is full of materials that go into great detail about this important subject. As I always say beeing a True Dominate is always about Learning and grow stronger togheter With Your submissive.
True domination is about a lot more than whips and chains…..far more !

The spanking

Spanking is a reward for both the Dominant and the submissive.
Spanking is far from just hitting, because if it was so “easy” everybody could do it.
It is far from high-tech, but its all about experience and as a Dominant controlling the scene and the submissive.
Pain is strange in a way…its a motivator as well as it is a Chemical thing.
Now im am far from a chemist or a doctor but Google always comes for the rescue !
This is what i found about the Chemical part of BDSM:
There is a neurochemical that is held responsible for this. Called “the Love Hormone” by some, the hormone/neurotransmitter oxytocin is the culprit that causes the feeling of strong bonding to take place between lovers, parents and their children, close friends, and yes, between Dominants and Submissives! Whereas other neurochemicals play a strong role in other forms of play, such as endorphins, adrenaline/enkalphines, dopamine and seratonin to name a few, the bonding effect between Dominants and submissives can be directly tied to oxytocin. The almost religious devotion of the submissive—bringing on “floating” and an intense experience of oxytocin at work—and the heady experience of “Dom-space” come about through powerful amounts of oxytocin being present in their systems.

When the chemestry is all known let me take you back to the reward it is to spank Your submissive.
Spanking is always best if proper spanking etiquette is followed:

Strikes should be focused on the lower, meatier part of the bum-cheeks and upper thighs.
Follow thru on every strike.
Slap hard enough to leave a hand imprint or mark With whip or belt.
If you are using a Whip or a belt, vary the intensity on every strike.
Use Your voice to Control the submissive.
Be calm when you spank Your submissive.
Check on Your submissive frequently, not only in aftercare !
I personally has two favoritt positions when I spank my submissive ( OTK hand spanking or  the submissive chained to a bolt in the roof for whipping)
Find Your favorite it is Your task to also make that the favorite of Your submissive.
And dont forget:
You’ve got to have the perfect amount of room to get an arc with your good spanking arm, as well as enjoy the view !

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Okey, now lets get to the fun part.
Now lets focus on some of the Tools I use for a good spanking

The Hand
The classic spanking tool, literally passed down through the generations. We’ve all got them and they’re practically made for spanking, as you can most accurately control the intensity of your blows.
A good hand spanking is bringing the submissive closer to me as it is all stripped Down.

Paddle
The humble paddle is widely available in a number of materials like wood, metal or leather to vary the sensations, and offer a much more assertive slap then the hand. Don’t start a spanking session by going straight to the paddle; build up the tension with some hand slaps before moving on to this tool.

Whips and Floggers
There are as many varieties of whips in the world as there are bums for them to be slapped across, each offering a different type of sting. The length of the whip and they type and texture of the material it’s made with all play a part in the final experience you’ll have.

The Belt
Another classic, The leather belt leaves Instant marks on Your submissive and it is important that the belt is genuin leather.
The sound of spanking With a belt is priceless and the sound gets better the more intense you strike !

The good part about spanking is that you don`t need a “scene” to spank Your submissive, the hands and the belt is always available , exactly the same as the submissive bum is alwalys avalilable……..
Hey that`s not a coincidence is it ??

 

 

The Dominant entitlement

There are far more men using the title “Dom”to hide their insecurity and provide them with a sense of Dominant entitlement, ultimately giving what they believe, an excuse to behave like an asshole. As well, there are far more men who enjoy “kink” or “kinky sex” and are using the title ‘Dom’ as an excuse to make women (submissives) feel obligated to entertain them .

Regardless of whether that be true or not, just because “Thomas” decided to wake up this morning and be a “Dom” doesn’t now mean that any and every single submissive woman he meets and takes a liking to, must now serve him.

Do I believe Dominants should be respected? Absolutely. It is perfectly appropriate behavior for a submissive to be respectful towards Dominants she comes in contact with. However, just because it is given initially, that doesn’t mean it is a license for a “Dom” to do whatever they please without consequence. It’s also not to be confused with servitude.

Respect may be given initially, but it is earned and maintained through mutualrespect, regardless of the title someone decides to place beside their name.

A submissive is a woman and a woman who is single owes a Dominant nothing. Her purpose is certainly not to entertain a man just because of his title.

As a Dominant, these are some of
the principles I follow

I want to know what she is made of. However, it is not for me to demand that she prove herself to me. This can only be given, submission is a choice, a free choice a woman makes… It is not claimed!

I value a certain level of modesty and class. There has to be more to her then a submissive.
I quess that dosen`t come as a surprise cos i think all you submissive women also look for more then just the title “Dom”.
What you stand for ?  What do you urge for ? Whats your passion ? Whats your story ?

Can be essential questions for me as a Dominant to know.

Dominant entitlement isn’t a right – it is earned and it is given freely.

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However, I am a confident man, my Dominant ego is fully intact and great enough that I do not fear my submissive speaking to another man or  Dom. I do not fear they will see something better in another man and therefor leave me for another man.
If this happens it really was out of my control anyhow and at the end of the day the Control bit is always my respnsibillity.
As I always use to say All beauty is best shown outside of a Cage, but some also shine inside that Cage.

know my Dominance, I am secure in what I stand for and who I am.
This means that I do not fear being alone.
Fear is the opposite of safe and beeing in control….A “dom” that shows fear andis giving his submissive a hard time for his fear….He is NOT a true Dominant.
Here’s a little secret to the Dominants that may be reading this, if you’re insecure and have to force it… You won’t have much value to a submissive either. Your colors will eventually shine through.

The bottom line is this; submissive Ownership is given freely, not claimed and until that has been clearly given, Dominant entitlement does not exist.
This one of the most important sentences a Dominant ever should learn.

No matter how badly you may want them or how much it may hurt your insecurity that they don’t want you – you aren’t entitled to a damn thing.

Respect is earned and servitude is given… Freely.
When and to whom respect and servitude are given, is solely the decision of the submissive.

The Do`s and The Dont`s

Its not easy telling anybody about the Do`s and the Dont`s !
But as this is my blog i will give it a try regarding subspace.
Subspace is a beautiful end of the rainbow of BDSM booth me as a Dominant and my submissive should encounter together.

Submissives should also learn the activities and things that induce them to enter subspace. Also practicing on ways to exist subspace can help a submissive as well. The more you know about your responses to subspace the better off you will be as a submissive.

DON’T: Ignore the way the submissive is acting

While some Dominants like to see their submissives in this space, I also need to make sure you note when this state occurs. Since this is a state in which the submissive may not be as able to make decisions, I as a Dominant will need to oversee the safety measures in place.

DO: Be careful with the submissive

As the submissive drops into subspace, I as a  Dominant will need to be more careful in all the things that happen during a scene. This might mean not doing all the planned activities or even stopping the scene early to make sure the submissive is safe.

DON’T: Try harder punishments or positions

This is NOT a time to see just how far the submissive can go, even if they say that’s what they want to do. Some submissives might have an agreement ahead of time to try this out, but it can be risky for all levels of BDSM participants. Instead, try to continue the energy of the scene at a slower pace and perhaps use punishments or positions that are easier for the submissive.

DO: Check in with the submissive often

The trick with checking in with your submissive is that they might not be able to tell you what they’re feeling or what they want. Still, it’s a good idea to check in to see if they do respond to you and to make sure they’re safe.

DON’T: Leave them alone in their altered state

Since they might not be able to speak up or let you know if something is wrong, ideally, I never leave her alone until they are ‘back’ from their altered state.

All safety equipment should be in the same room you are playing in. A cell phone for emergencies, a glass/bottle of water, some fruit and a warm blanket to help revive a submissive after an intense subspace are a good idea to have in the room as well. This should limit your need to have to leave the room.

If I must leave the room, make sure the submissive is untied, and laying down comfortably in a place is safe and secure.

DO: Realize the submissive might not use their safeword

Though you might be counting on your submissive to use their safeword when things get intense, they might not remember to use it. This is another reason why playing things safer once a submissive is in subspace is a good idea.

DON’T: Bypass agreements you made previously

No matter what happens in a scene and what you think a submissive might be able to take in this altered state, it’s better to stick to all your agreements.

In subspace a submissive’s inhibitions drop and their ability to handle more pain can increase. Many a submissive have become braver and begged to have me as a Dominant cross per-negotiated limits. Activities that have been completely off limits before for a submissive can seem surprisingly desirable.

It is my responsibillity to always protect my submissive
This should and must be rule number one for any Dominant.

Any activity or limit that is crossed during play can have serious physical and emotional consequences once the submissive comes out of subspace.

DO: Watch the skin of the submissive

Another thing to keep in mind when my submissive is in an altered state is their skin. You can look at their skin after a punishment or a bondage technique to see what the skin condition is. Check this again and again since the submissive might not be able to feel what is happening.

If the skin seems too red or it’s broken, stop whatever you are doing and tend to this injury.

DON’T: Try to see how hard you can hit them

Again, this is not a time to see just how much pain a submissive can take. They might be able to make it through a tough scene, but their body might be significantly injured in the process.

DO: Know that the submissive can’t make rational decisions

While your submissive might seem to be aware, at times, of what is happening in the scene, remember that they may not be able to weigh the consequences of their decisions. Assume they are unable to make the best decisions, and watch out for their safety and well-being.

DON’T: Assume the submissive is cognizant

Even if the submissive seems to be confident in their ability to take pain, I should not assume they understand what they are saying. This is especially the case with a new submissive. Over the course of a relationship,I might be better able to understand when my submissive is being rationale vs. when they are not.

DO: Remember there are multiple types of subspace (physical and psychological)

A submissive can often be put into subspace by physical and psychological methods, for example:

  1. Intense punishments for physically induced subspace
  2. Humiliation could induce subspace psychologically in a submissive

Knowing what triggers the subspace in my submissive will help me to know when to interact with her in different ways.

DON’T: Forget that my submissive may not experience subspace the same way others do

Of course, every submissive is different, so I have to need to stay in communication with my submissive about how they feel and what they need.

DO: Practice aftercare

Make sure your submissive has time to come back to reality after being in subspace. They might need food or water or just someone to be around them until they feel they are back in their body. Aftercare after subspace is required. Leaving a submissive to recover from subspace by them self can lead to a hard subdrop.

Tending to a sub’s recovery is part of a my Dominant’s duties. Proper water, food, comfort, support and rest are all needed after such a physically and psychologically intense journey.

DON’T: Walk immediately away from the submissive

It is not a good idea to just walk away from the sub, as this might leave them disoriented and unable to figure out how to cope with her emotional and physical state.

DO: Remember the ‘drop’

Sometimes a submissive can experience a drop after being in an intense subspace. Remember that this can happen even days after a scene, so I will want to be available to talk them through it. Being available to provide more aftercare if a drop does happen days after is even better.

RememberI as a  Dominant is meant to take care of my submissive, not just use them when it is convenient to me and then toss the submissive aside.  As a good Dominant I should be available to their submissive in times of need and subdrop is a time of need.

DON’T: Believe the submissive will be fine

My submissive may need my help managing subspace, and as the Dominant, that’s me job too.

The Threesome

There might not be a more stigma to the Dominant male then the dream of a FFM threesome. Also many Dominants feel more in Powered when a singel man “rules” over two women.
I also blame the porn industry ( as I love) to build around the fantasy of a singel Man in Control over 2 women….
The FFM is obviously male-centric. If there’s any dick action going on, you know whose it’s going to be. There is one object of worship: the singular penis in the room.  Sounds great, no?

In the MMF case, it’s the other way around: the woman is now the commodity which is in short supply. She is the object to be worshipped and attended to, totally unique in her abilities and characteristics.
This also will build on my Dominant sides…Im in total Control over her beeing worshipped

Like most human beings, I like to be worshiped.  It makes you feel special, right?  What’s not to like.  The thing is, that’s not the BIGGEST turn on for me.  What really gets me going is the EFFECT I have on my submissive.  I want to contol her in evry situation, let me see that im also in contol even if there is a another man present, giving her proof of my dominance and  strength taking total control of her body, giving her away and let another Man use her as I please.
THAT’S the good stuff… When she’s so turned on she can’t see straight or form coherent sentences.
When she knows I as her Dominant always are in Control.
Total Control over her body and mind.
I as her Dominant are in charge over who I choose  that can fuck her and use her as I please,

For the same reason, the idea of double-teaming my submissive has an incredibly naughty allure. This is the higest form of telling her that her body is mine and I choose who can enjoy her at my comand.
I believe it’s actually MORE proof of real Dominant then the “ordinary” FFM threesome.

 

FFM threesome?  Fun, for sure.  Exciting too!

MMF threesome?  Now that’s a thing which promises to unleash the immense latent of real Dominanse and letting my submissive relase her female sexual power and capacity that must otherwise be kept deep and held secret for fear of pejorative judgments and social stigma.
By turning the table I as a Dominant also get the benifit of a submissive who really knows that her body is mine.

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Did you ask about jealosy ?

I can never be jealous on something that is mine and I Own ! 

 

The Submissive

What is a submissive?
What needs is essentials ?
What is my toughts on a submissive from a Dominant point of view

She need to feel safe. Before she can begin to open her submissive nature to me she need to feel safe and have reason to trust me. To let Down her walls and give me control of her will may take time and testing before she feel safe enough to permit either of us to go beyond the initial stages of our relationship. Even after she has given herself to me fully, she need to be reminded that she is safe With me. She may like to feel the thrill and excitement of fear and the unknown, but she need to be sure no matter how I stimulate those emotions during an intense scene or situation, She will remain safe in my care.
She need to know I Accept her for all she is.She need to know I Accept her as a friend, lover, companion, and my submissive.

She need to know exactly what I expect of her and know that I also understand her limits.
She need me to be consistent. She need to know I mean what I say and that today’s rules will apply to tomorrow’s behavior. Nothing confuses her more than giving her mixed signals by allowing her to break rules that I have given her.

From time to time she may test me to see if I am capable of accepting control of her life by consistently bringing me back to the path I have chosen for her.
She need to expand her limits. she need to grow and to be challenged.
She need me to teach her. She need to learn and it is I who is her teacher. Her mind is hungry for new things and learning helps her to become all that she can be. This may require me to continue to learn new things in order to keep her challenged. Together we can grow to the fullness of the gifts we have and deepen the diversity we share.
This is the circle of BDSM.

She need goals. She need them to measure her progress and need me to provide them for her. Take time to explain those goals in ways she can comprehend My plans concerning her growth as my submissive. Without my direction she quickly become lost . Therefor she will  look to me frequently to provide a purpose and aim as she continiues in her development as a submissive.
She need to be corrected. She need me to correct me when she make mistakes. Without my correction she will develop bad habits that can be very difficult to break. Without my correction, she may never know she made a mistake. Allowing her to continue unchecked will only cause her to fail both of us in the end.

She need my approval and reassurance. She need to know when I approve of her or what she has done and to know she belong to me.

She need to learn from her mistakes.She need to experience things that may be painful in order to learn successfully. She know my protective nature will struggle with allowing her to be hurt but she need to learn the consequences of what she has done and to experience the feelings that go along with making mistakes. Allow her to sort out her feelings before wiping away her tears.

She need to share with me. Sharing with me is a compelling need and one of the cornerstones of a submissive nature. This includes the emotional and spiritual aspects of her being as well as the physical body she inhabit. It may be difficult for her to give You access to the deeper levels of her emotions and feelings but those are the things she need to share the most.
She need to feel loved, respected, and protected in my ownership. No matter how well she`s done or how miserably she has failed, she need to know that she is still loved and protected by me. She will grow to be all she is capable of being more than knowing me will be there to protect her from harm and will love her even if she fall short of the target. She need to be loved and to love me in return.

The Learning

What this is not: This is not a guide on how to become a Dominant or submissive. No such thing exists. People are  who they are. Some things are learned, some things are genetic, and I am a strong believer that no one is born a submissive or Dominant

Because if you was born Dominant it would mean that a 16 year old would be just a Dominant as a 40 year old…I say that is just not true !

There is offcourse some genetics in play, One can learn to behave as a submissive or Dominant for BDSM play, but you never can play who you really are.
And you develop into who you are thru expirience,learning and how you use this knowledge about yourself.
I always say  putting People in categories just narrows Your own prospective on People around you.
There is a big difference between play and reality and as booring it sounds…..
Reallity always win 

As a Dom, it is your job to learn your submissive inside and out. To know her better than anyone else. Better than herself. You should learn her needs and desires. Down the the most minute detail. You should absorb everything she says and does. Gauge every reaction. Learn her mind. It is only by this that you can provide what she needs.

At the same time, as a submissive, it is your job to help your Dominant learn. Speak up. When you enjoy something he does for you, let him know. When something upsets you, talk about it. Explain why. Telling your Dominant that you want something is not topping from the bottom. It’s helping your relationship grow.

And the same is true in reverse. Submissives, learn your Dominants. Learn what pleases him, what calms him under stress, what words make his heart flutter when you say them just the right way. Dominants, help your submissives learn you. Don’t fall victim to the fallacy that a Dom should be some impenetrable, emotionless tower of strength. You know your weak points. Teach them to her. You will be glad you did.

Once this feedback loop has been established, discerning each other’s needs should come as naturally as breathing. The dominant will know what rules will best help the submissive to grow. He will know what punishments she would not only take, but appreciate, for disobedience.

But what if one or the other doesn’t know what they want? Well this is one of the joys of a D/s relationship: Experimentation. The trust between a Dominant and submissive allows for much more open experimentation than in a vanilla relationship.

Providing structure and discipline for a submissive is an organic process. People grow and change. Grow and change together, learn from each other every day, and the things you both need will never be a mystery.

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The Balance

Dominants are often thought to have the easier ‘job’ in D/s relationships and this is not so.

Just as the submissive, the Dominant has very important duties that I must tend to. Dominants have the responsibility of creating all the rules for the D/s relationship. The Dominant also has the task of enforcing these rules and follow up on consequences once they’re broken.
Dominants have the responsibillity to train the submissive in a way that makes her grow and prosper in all aspects of her life.
Dominants also make important decisions for themselves as well as their submissive. Doms must constantly think of the safety of their submissive. This task alone is a very important task not to mention my duties to understand and take care of the submissive’s wants and needs.
Comparatively the duties of the Dominant and submissive are similar in importance.  Each role has their own personalized responsibilities and liabilities. How do we decide on who carries the heavier load?
I feel as if the Dominant holds the most responsibility if not solely for the fact that I directly deal with the well-being of another living being.  Some s/m practices can be dangerous and without a well researched Dominant these dangers can be realized. That fact in its self is a large factor and something I must deal with every time I play. Beyond the physical safety, I must uphold the submissives mental safety as well.

I have to know my submissive in ways that other relationship partners do not. I have to push her limits, ease her concerns and test her commitment all without necessarily having her verbal input. I would definitely say as a Dominant I have to know my submissive as good as I know myself. If that isn’t a momentous responsibility then I’m not quite sure what is.
It’s important to embrace the responsibilities you do have and to act with great diligence when performing those duties.

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