The Commitment

Commitment can be summed up very easily: be willing to be successful no matter what. In other words, one has the mindset that he or she is going to do whatever it takes to make the situation successful. Failure is not an option. All action is taken with the intention of working towards the desired outcome. There is no maybe. Certainty is ever present in the mind.

This is a stark difference from how people live their lives. Most are experts at offering up excuses. They have a host of alibis ready to present even before they engage in the activity. Of course, nothing is ever their fault. Passing the blame is a weekness.

To succeed in BDSM, as other areas, it takes commitment. My mindset is that my relationship is going to work out long term. I am not willing to allow the challenges of life to sabotage what I am developing. Fear is something that is present within everyone and, left unchecked, can overtake a situation completely. Commitment is something that enables one to overcome this barrier.

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Blind faith or senseless optimism is not a valid approach. However, when one is aware of the situation after doing the proper research or diligence, it is helpful to have the committed outlook. Success and failure both start in the mind. Those are willing to do whatever it takes to make a BDSM relationship(s) successful are apt to do just that. This is a major contrast to the one who is willing to sever things as soon as something difficult comes up. Many of the reasons for ending relationships can be overcome with commitment. It is a tool that few consider but is something that can make all the difference. Consider it.

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The responsibility

One of the toughest lessons I learned (and continue to learn) is that everything is my responsibility. I am the one who is solely responsible for the events in my life. This includes what occurs within my household. While the tendency to place blame stills exists, it is something that I work on daily. However, the one advantage is today, even when I do not want to, I know that all consequences lay at my feet.

The truth is that those who are successful at being Masters within this lifestyle are those who take responsibility.

When one owns another, the responsibility for growth and direction lies with the Owner/Master. This is something that most welcome. However, things seem to take on a different twist when they go wrong. Then, the blaming tendency starts.

A submissive is trained to be obedient. That is what a worthy submissive seeks. It is a quality that is imperative to the M/s and D/s dynamic. Of course, this is not to be mistaken for weakness. Obedience does not amount to a person being weak. On the contrary, it is actually a sign of strength.

Strength must be met with strength. If not, the relationship will fall apart. I cannot tell you the number of times I witnessed a slave ‘surpass’ the Master in ability. In short, she grew; he did not. A dominant person needs to dedicate him or herself to this growth. And, for me, it starts with owning up to what occurs.

If a submissive makes a mistake, it is up to me to correct that. By the same token, if she is lost, it is up to me to help her find her path. Whatever happens, a dominant needs to stand up and know that all is done at his directive. When things do not work out as anticipated as they invariably do, then it is my fault. And, I is the one who needs to ensure corrective action is taken. Anyone who wants to place the blame on the submissive is not worthy of being called a Owner/Master.

 

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Be responsible and you are on the path to earning it.

The Daddy thoughts

There are few aspects of kink that are as misunderstood as Daddy Doms and their little girl submissives. People often think having a Daddy means you missed out on something as a child, or that you want to dress up in a tutu and fingerpaint. Not necessarily. Other people mistakenly believe that it means you want to have sex with your father.  But in the context of a BDSM relationship, having a Daddy Dom has nothing to do with any of those things.

Some little girls with Daddy Doms engage in ageplay and others don’t. Some of the other authors this week will be discussing the ageplay side of Daddy/little girl play, but today I’m talking about the D/s relationship between a Daddy Dom and his little girl.

The Daddy Dom

Daddy Doms put their babygirl’s needs at the top of their priority list. A Daddy Dom will do everything he can to help his little girl be the best person she can be. He may spoil her, but he doesn’t let her get away with being a brat. Sometimes this means he will punish her, not for the enjoyment of the punishment, but because it is for her own good. A Daddy’s little girl is his pride and joy and he does what he can to make her feel special and cherished.
But im not weak on my Domination, never understand me as soft on rules and consecvenses.

The Little Girl Submissive
The little girl submissive worships her Daddy Dom. She will do anything to please him because she knows that he makes it his mission to care for her and to protect her. Since she is secure in his feelings for her she trusts her Daddy and submits to him completely. The little girl puts her Daddy’s needs first and pleasing him is of the utmost importance to her . In return he fulfills her needs and disciplines her when she needs it.

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The Relationship
The Daddy Doms both the Dom and the sub put their partner’s needs above their own. They are open and honest about their sexual needs and kinks. Daddy’s little girl is the center of his world, and he is the center of hers. While they may incorporate elements of ageplay this is not their focus. They may engage in BDSM activities that include pain, but this is usually motivated by a desire to get to subspace, increase endorphins, or a need for punishment rather than a desire for pain for pain’s sake. However, like all relationships – each one as unique as a snowflake and it is difficult to generalize.

The four P`s – Protector-Penelaizer-Provider-Partner

   Protector

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As the dominant half YOU are the primary protector. This protection is unconditional. It can be protection from stressful element in your Little’s life. This can be financial, psychological, fantasy etc. You’re the one they turn to, and you provide what few can. As their emotional safe haven and secret keeper, the intimacy of your relationship will be unlike any other. There needs to be absolute trust between each other. The damage of a broken trust in a DDLG relationship can be beyond devastating. If your Little opens up to you, never ever use it against them or manipulate them with that information. It’s borderline abuse and, to put it mildly, one of the most damaging things you could ever do. While you are disciplining your Little it’s important to keep in mind you are still their protector. Never, ever, forget that fact.

 

Penelaizer

 

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Your Little needs to learn that respect for their caregiver is of the utmost importance. It is your responsibility to teach your Little to grow and learn while maintaining respect for your role as the dominant and following your rules. These rules should always be clear and consistent and it’s important for both parties to agree to follow them. As is with any BDSM relationship, there may or may not be punishment, discipline and penalizing involved if the rules are broken. Some caregivers are strict while others prefer to take the gentler approach with chores, loss of privileges, and other non-physical punishments. In many cases the gentler approach can be far more effective since many people in BDSM relationships enjoy physical punishments. The punishment is not about giving pleasure through pain, but teaching your Little a lesson—that breaking the rules will not to be tolerated.
After punishment it is the Daddy`s job to reassure your Little once it’s time to move on that you still love them, and it’s for the relationships benefit. Once again, the type of punishments and rules is entirely dependent on the couple and circumstances surrounding the relationship, and this can vary greatly. Overall the Little should anticipate some form of discipline/punishment if they act out against the caregiver’s wishes or ‘forget the rules’.

                                                                     Provider

 

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While you protect and guide your Little through the world, it’s important to care for your Little to ensure they are healthy, happy, and cared for. This could include making sure they are eating well and have their basic needs met, like any relationship, but a caregiver will generally take this to the next level as they are responsible for their Little’s well-being. Feel free to spoil your Little if you can. As the caregiver, you will know what your Little loves and having a surprise now and then will make them feel special. These rewards or gift could be anything you like—be creative. Toys, candy, new play items (coloring books, stickers, teddies), or maybe even some quality time together. Just remember –you are a Daddy, not a sugar Daddy. Don’t get these two confused. Your job is to help them be the best they can be.You provide solutions to a problem, rather than being the solution yourself.
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As a Daddy you are their everything, as they are too you. They are the sun, moon, and light of your life, so treat them as such. While your relationship may or may not be sexual, it’s important for both parties to feel loved and cared for. The DDlg dynamic is a thing of absolute beauty. You have the power to elevate a dynamic like this to unknown reaches of self-discovery, so you need to make it very clear that they are of the utmost importance to you and earn their trust. You are partners in this dynamic together. This requires endless communication, compromise and compassion. With any BDSM relationship you need to know each other’s soft and hard limits and respect them. Never penalize your Little for not wanting to compromise on a hard limit. You should both understand that while the Daddy is the dominant, the Little has their own limits. Just like with BDSM—for a good Daddy.

 

The scene and The responsibility

Learn, Learn, Learn

Your responsibility as a Dominant is great: you and only you are responsible for both of your safety during scene! In essence, it’s like having a small child dependent upon you. To better handle this responsibility, never stop learning. The best way to learn is to practice bottoming yourself. Every few weeks or months, switch with your partner. The next best way is to communicate: after every scene, ask your submissive what she enjoyed and what she didn’t, and don’t get defensive or egoistic about the things she didn’t. Your sub’s feedback is your best learning tool. Also, read sex books, learn about BDSM, and join online communities. Books and chat groups on BDSM are going to keep your Dominant skills honed and keep your sub from getting bored.

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Plan, Plan, Plan

BDSM is not something that should be done “on the fly.” You’ll both have more fun if you plan. Topping is hard work! You need to have a mental list of what you want to achieve. Have a general idea of activities you can try, and always plan for way more than you’ll actually have time for; this way, if something you planned goes wrong, you can move on smoothly to the next one. No one wants you to be left standing there, whip in hand, looking foolish. If toys are involved, have them out, cleaned, and ready. Same with lighting, whips, restraints, costumes, lubricants, and aftercare materials (water, snack, warm towel or blanket). You don’t want to lose momentum of a great scene to go grab a condom or hurriedly have to search for, find, and clean a particular toy. Your sub will appreciate you much more if you come prepared.

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Have a Definite Beginning, Middle, and End

For those of us who aren’t in a 24/7 relationship, knowing when to sub and not can be confusing. It is good to have some sort of signal so both of you know when a scene begins. You can have a specific code word, play certain music, or change the lighting and music to start the mood. You can touch or look at your sub a particular way that she will understand means you’re starting the scene now. Or, you can have a particular ritual that lets both of you know the scene is beginning and to help you get into your roles: having the sub get out and arrange the toys, gently tying your sub down, or having your sub kneel, kiss your feet, and placing a collar around her kneck. Something concrete, like having the sub put on a specific corset or wear a collar, can be a powerful symbolic moment that lets you both know when play has started.

Having a definite end is even more important. Your sub can’t read your mind, and often have no idea when you’re winding down. You need to make it obvious! . It is too difficult to switch straight out of “scene” on your sub. We need time so we know you are winding down, and can begin to slowly transition out of subspace and back into real world. Never just stop suddenly and say, “Okay, we’re done!”

A gradual transition is necessary. You can have a certain activity that you always do last, so when you move to it, your sub knows to begin transitioning out of subspace. Some Dommes tell their partner, “Okay, you can pick one last toy for me to use on you,” or “Pick a number between 1 and 10, I’ll give you that many swats with the paddle, and then we can be done.” This lets your sub know the scene is winding down without shocking them with it mid-scene. Subs need lots of time to recover from scenes, so make sure you have a definite space for winding down and then a concrete ending!

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The emotinal control

While the physical is important, it is not enough to develop a relationship. We all have met those people who are physically beautiful but very ugly inside. Just because a person is fit and/or good-looking does not mean they are candidates for any type of intimate relationship. This is where the emotional needs enter into the picture.

The BDSM world is full of abusive jerks. These are the people who have the ability to really hurt ones who fall for their garbage. Just because one is submissive, that does not mean she is weak and meant to be abused. Anyone who used BDSM as a guise for physical or psychological abuse is a rat. The lifestyle is not about that.

Nor is one in a position of dominance if he or she cannot control him/herself. I have already mentioned the idea of being out of control in terms of feeding oneself. However, there is another area that many people are completely off the wall and yet few seem to mention it. This is the emotional arena and it is what makes or breaks relationships.

So many dominants behave as if they are bipolar. They simply lack any emotional control in any area of life. These are the people who yell at the girl at the checkout counter. People of this sort make terrible Doms/Masters because of the fact that they are lacking within themselves. Usually, people who have this outlook suffer from low self-esteem. Their behavor is a means of compensation for the internal lack. It is not a situation that will work out well for a submissive. Instead, she often becomes the focus of his/her insecurity. In the end, it is not a pretty picture.

We have all witnessed a grown person behaving like a child in public. This is another example of imagery, only this time it puts us off. The impact of this person’s behavior is negative. A lack of control, especially on the part of the dominant one, is a sign of weakness. To me, it should be a warning sign of things to come. I find that it is not very long before things come to a head and this person explodes. The world is full of these people and you do not want one of them as a Dom/Master.

Contrast this with the image of the person who is always “calm, cool, and collected”. We see many people in the movies who are this way. No matter what the situation, they always have their heads on straight. Their confidence is overwhelming. The heroines are attracted to men of this ilk because they provide the emotional stability to get them through all circumstances. In this regard, reality matches the fantasy. A submissive wants to be able to depend upon a dominant one. However, to do this, that person needs to be emotionally consistent. If not, the sub has to play the guessing game which is impossible to win. A life based upon this will mean she ends up continually “walking on eggshells”. This is not a fun existence.

Therefore, hold onto your imagery. The BDSM lifestyle is one where you are free to choose what you desire. All avenues are open to you. The key is to make the proper choices for what fits your needs. Implant the image of what you want in your head and work towards bringing it into reality. There is no reason why you cannot do this. However, before focusing outward, take a look at yourself. How fit are you both physically and emotionally? If you are lacking in either area, perhaps it is time to get started on correcting those shortcomings. Trust me when I tell you focusing on these two areas is very impactful.

The clarity

This is a topic that is rarely discussed within the BDSM community yet seems to be crucial to success. Few ever really consider the enormous responsibility that being in control of another entails. Instead, they believe having a sub/slave simply means freedom to do whatever you want to that person sexually. This is far from a complete picture.

Every relationship needs a direction. This might sound a bit anal but it is true. Whether we are looking at BDSM or the traditional world, people need to grow. By extension, relationships need to do the same thing. We have all heard of people breaking up because “they drifted apart”. Here is a prime example of a how a relationship goes in a particular direction. Unfortunately, it is a negative one.

It is best to be proactive in life. When entering into a BDSM relationship, it is best to be active in the choices you make. Making decisions is a crucial skill as a Dom/Master. This all starts with having a clear understanding of what you are seeking. Without this knowledge, one is apt to drift aimless from one whim to the next. Of course, in BDSM, this means that a sub/slave is following along just as aimlessly.

Getting clear entails going within. As mentioned, there is a great deal more to the BDSM lifestyle than just kinky sex. Most people quickly realize that when life suddenly strikes them in the face after entering a relationship of this sort; the “honeymoon” period ends with a bang. What comes when the orgasmic fling ends?

Knowing what you want in life is one of the most challenging things there is. Many self improvement experts tout how vital this is to success and happiness. Sadly, most fall short in this area judging by the state of most people’s lives. Those of us in BDSM have taken at least an initial step. We realized that the traditional is not what we wanted. Instead, we sought out a different way of living that is better suited to our needs.

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The next step is to get clear what you want to get out of BDSM. Do you want to be involved with it full time or is it just something that is going to be a “play session” for you? Are you seeking love and romance or simply an emotionless interaction based upon sex? Do you want monogamy or poly?  This list of questions that one needs to ask oneself to gain that clarity could go on. The point is that a great deal more insight is needed if one is to have a happy and successful time in this lifestyle.

Compatibility is a premium in relationships. When people are not compatible, it is like trying to mix water and oil. It does not work. Sure anyone can get along when they are having orgasmic sex 22 hours a day. However, as we all know, that time fades and life sets in. What then? This is where a Dom requires the clarity of where to take things. Being with someone who has similar interests, desires, wishes, and goals is extremely helpful. Of course, this means that you have them yourself. Take the time to determine these things.

It is impossible to know everything up front. Nevertheless, your chances of success are greatly increased if you have some general idea about what you want. Broad guidelines are helpful in eliminating those people who are not a good fit for you. Like all aspects of life, not everyone is compatible with each other. Just because one person is dominant and the other submissive, that is not a basis for compatibility. Trust me when I tell you there needs to be more there.

Get clear about what you want. Clarity is something that is invaluable in life. Here is no exception

The Aftercare

This is a topic that does not get a lot of coverage online. However, this is an extreme part of the BDSM lifestyle. Those who engage in any sort of extreme scenes are at risk unless they take the precautions needed for a smooth conclusion.

A BDSM scene is something that can affect a sub on many different levels. Obviously, there is the physical component which is well illustrated by the pics posted online. In addition to this, there is also the mental/emotional/spiritual component that needs to be addressed. It is this second aspect which will allow a sub to maintain dignity while continuing participation in these acts.

The simple truth is that a BDSM scene is often degrading. This is part of the process since separation between Dom and sub is truly emphasized. Often, the process of humiliation is employed to enhance the experience of each during the scene. Personally, I find this to be a major turn-on which does provide for a better experience. The problem arises when a sub takes what is being said to heart. This is where Aftercare emerges as a crucial element.

A simple definition of Aftercare is the treating of a sub after a BDSM scene. This includes all the different aspects mentioned above. To start, a Dom will address the physical wounds. They should be cleaned and dressed to prevent infection, encourage healing, and lessen pain. After that, the emotional and mental “wounds” should be tended to.

In a situation like this, it is not uncommon for a sub to need some compassionate contact with a Dom. Her worth should be reaffirmed. Expression of her ability in performing during the scene should be stressed. Also, compliments designed to truly lift her self-esteem should be offered. The vital aspect is that she receives some attention from the Dom.

Naturally, the Aftercare will vary depending upon the relationship of the parties. For example, it is not uncommon for professional Dom/Domme to place a call to the sub the day after to ensure that he or she is alright and to offer further reaffirmation. In cases where the two are involved in an ongoing relationship, extra attention and care the days following is productive.

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The bottom line is that it is a Dom’s responsibility to take a sub to the edge during a scene. However, there is nothing worse than dropping this person like a lead balloon after taking him or her to extravagant heights. Nothing will ensure a smooth landing like solid Aftercare. Do not overlook this crucial step.

The dependency

BDSM takes the idea of dependency to another level. A fundamental premise of our relationship is the exchange of power. Unlike the traditional world, we establish a built-in dependency by invoking unequal power distribution. The scenario of the child is replicated in some manner.

I find this idea gets a bit more intensified when one goes further out on the power spectrum. submissives who choose to give total power and control over to another enter into the realm where they are completely dependent upon the Master/Owner. Of course, this will vary based upon the criteria that the Master/Owner establishes. Nevertheless, a submissive comes to rely upon her Master/Owner for everything. He is the provider for what she needs. While she might have a hand in the acquisition, all decisions are ultimately mine.

Naturally, most people are aware of this. Trust is something that is discussed quite often pertaining to BDSM. Over time, in a healthy relationship, the trust will grow. At the same time, I am a believer that the dependence will also take on deeper levels. The main goal is to develop the relasionship from wanting me to needing me. As you can see, the depth is seriously altered when one goes from want to need.

However, there is another side of the equation that few seem to mention. The focus is always upon the dependence of a submissive on a Master/Owner. Few take the time to consider the fact that a Master/Owner, as the relationship grows and strengthens, also comes to rely upon his slave. It is a two-sided equation. Of course, here is where we run into the barbaric egos of dominants who will swear up and down that they are independent.This shows their obtuse outlook because of the simple fact that Doms/Masters still suffer from the disease of being human. It cannot be altered no matter how much one tries. Therefore, in a healthy, developing relationship, one will come to depend upon the other person.

Micromanaging is not something that I enjoy, thus I operate from the place, this is your responsibility, I expect it attended to. And, fortunately, it usually is. Of course, that means that I have no idea where things are or how they are done. Under normal circumstances, she simply takes care of them.

This is altered when she is not here. Now, I am the fool who is stuck looking for things since I have no idea where anything is kept. The domestic duties back up since that is her department, one which I pay no mind. Things that I take for granted in my daily life are only that way because I depend upon her to do them. This is a simple example but one that shows how a Master/Owner becomes dependent upon a submissive to meet even his most basic needs.

My point is that dependence will occur naturally in a healthy, deepening relationship.
This is what happens when people focus upon growing and being stronger. It is a natural outcome.

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