What this is not: This is not a guide on how to become a Dominant or submissive. No such thing exists. People are who they are. Some things are learned, some things are genetic, and I am a strong believer that no one is born a submissive or Dominant
Because if you was born Dominant it would mean that a 16 year old would be just a Dominant as a 40 year old…I say that is just not true !
There is offcourse some genetics in play, One can learn to behave as a submissive or Dominant for BDSM play, but you never can play who you really are.
And you develop into who you are thru expirience,learning and how you use this knowledge about yourself.
I always say putting People in categories just narrows Your own prospective on People around you.
There is a big difference between play and reality and as booring it sounds…..
Reallity always win
As a Dom, it is your job to learn your submissive inside and out. To know her better than anyone else. Better than herself. You should learn her needs and desires. Down the the most minute detail. You should absorb everything she says and does. Gauge every reaction. Learn her mind. It is only by this that you can provide what she needs.
At the same time, as a submissive, it is your job to help your Dominant learn. Speak up. When you enjoy something he does for you, let him know. When something upsets you, talk about it. Explain why. Telling your Dominant that you want something is not topping from the bottom. It’s helping your relationship grow.
And the same is true in reverse. Submissives, learn your Dominants. Learn what pleases him, what calms him under stress, what words make his heart flutter when you say them just the right way. Dominants, help your submissives learn you. Don’t fall victim to the fallacy that a Dom should be some impenetrable, emotionless tower of strength. You know your weak points. Teach them to her. You will be glad you did.
Once this feedback loop has been established, discerning each other’s needs should come as naturally as breathing. The dominant will know what rules will best help the submissive to grow. He will know what punishments she would not only take, but appreciate, for disobedience.
But what if one or the other doesn’t know what they want? Well this is one of the joys of a D/s relationship: Experimentation. The trust between a Dominant and submissive allows for much more open experimentation than in a vanilla relationship.
Providing structure and discipline for a submissive is an organic process. People grow and change. Grow and change together, learn from each other every day, and the things you both need will never be a mystery.