We operate in a lifestyle that advocates consent. It seems ironic given when we use terms such as bondage and slave that consent is at the heart of all we do. Yet, without this, we simply are engaging in abusive behavior. Consent is what makes it a viable alternative to the vanilla world. Most do not want to turn to a lifestyle where they are abused. Instead, they are attracted to BDSM as a means of fulfilling an inner desire within themselves. Of course, to get to the depth that one wants to achieve, consent is required.
I see so many who demand obedience without earning the right to do that. This is a tactic the pretendesr use quite often and the newer people tend to fall for. Obedience is at the core of BDSM interaction. However, before one can obey another, he or she needs to be absolutely certain that the person being dealt with is worthy of that. Too many portray an image that is misleading.
A slave yearns to have her choices removed. At the same time, a Master wants the directives set down followed without question. Again, in a healthy M/s relationship, this is what transpires. Sadly, few interactions fall into this category.
Decision-making is not something the population in general excels out. We are taught to be followers as opposed to leaders. This creates an interesting dynamic when one enters the BDSM realm on the dominant side. While the natural tendency to take control exists, one has to overcome an extreme about of societal conditioning before that can occur. Today, society promotes the idea that all are equal and hierarchies are bad. This goes in opposition to the main BDSM belief.
For a slave to obey, he or she must feel confident that the person making the decisions is not a lunatic. Most has suffered at the hands of another in previous relationships and, thus, have no desire to follow that same pattern. People enter BDSM seeking a change from what they previously experienced; not to replicate the same outcome.
Many seem to think that the submission process means that a slave agrees to submit to a Master and all is finished. This is a wonderful concept in theory but reality differs greatly. The fact of the matter is that it takes time for one to trust enough to obey completely. As mentioned, past experiences serve as the biggest hindrance since so many suffered in the past in some form. This abuse is not instantly erased from the memory banks.
If you want to see what is important to a submissive, determine what he or she is unwilling to let go of. This will reveal an area that commonly was misused by someone in the past. A dominant will cause a heap of trouble by “pushing” things in this area until he or she has established enough trust and confidence with the submissive. Many relationships are permanently scarred because the proper time was not allocated.
Ultimately, there might come a day when a dominant one needs to assert the power over the submissive and mandate compliance. I found, that when the trust foundation is established, a submissive will be happy to comply even if there is some initial resistance. This is especially true in the M/s realm where a slave, deep down, want to cede it all and be 100% dominated. Every Master should keep this in mind and work towards this outcome.
Obedience should be expected. It is something that is non-negotiable in my view within the BDSM framework. Once the parameters of the relationship are established, a sub/slave is expected to comply within those bounds. However, it is crucial to be mindful of areas of hesitation and what causes them. Consistent decision-making on behalf of the dominant one will go a long way to establishing the foundation with the submissive. It is then that obedience becomes a great deal easier.