The red flag

Sometimes stories beeing told to me from Fetlife in particular and also from Vanilla relationships makes me so upset ,angry and make me loose faith in many of the “Dom`s ” thats out there and even men in general.
I can understand that is difficult sorting out the sociopaths and psychopats, but still there is so many red flags that a submissive should see as evidence right from the start and maybe especially when you are looking for a Master/Dominant.
I know some of  the professional answers to this is beyond my expertise, but what I am trying to find out is :
Why is it so difficult for a submissive to see the red flags ?
Are there any sterotypes that might give you a “warning” ?
Are there other circumstances online and at Fetlife in particular?
Are there more “psychos” on Fetlife then other parts of the society?

Ok let`s start of to all you haters outthere:

But being a member on Fetlife for several years I have come to meet many submissive on this platform, and yes some of them I keep in touch with on a regular bases.
This blog are mine toughts and I share my toughts with you.

I will be the first to admit that mistakes are made and I have made some mistakes.
But mistakes is not what the question is here really.

I do really care,because I know first hand how extremely beatuiful the world of BDSM are.
I do care, beacuse I want as many as possible to realy understand the Magic of BDSM
I do care, beacuse some of the stories I have been told from submissives makes me profoundly sad.

Ok, now haters and the rest of you let me begin!

Why is it so difficult for a submissive to see the red flags ?
I will state it is`nt, but if you don`t know the flag, how can you see it ?
Let me give you some excamples of red flags:

* Married or in a relationship
BDSM is about trust, how the fuck can you trust somebody who in the start of Your relationship openly admits he is a lier ?!?!
But you don`t understand they say  : I am a Dominant , but my wife is not into that kind of relationship.
Hey Wake up ! If you are a Domiant as you say, why the hell are you not yourself With the person who is supposed to be closest to you ?!

* The Domiant who is having a hurry
This is a obvious sign that there is to much to hide.
The more impatience a guy is , the more they hide.
They are impatience for a reason, they don`t want you to figure out who they realy are.
Impatience People are also as I Call them : the Peacocks.
They say the right thing, they show all of there good sides, they brag of how they are, they try to impress, they show off.
But let me tell you something : A Lion never have to tell he is a Lion !

* The Meeting at a hotelroom
Why the fuck should you ever want to meet anybody for the first time at a hotelroom?
I`tell you why, because there is something to hide.
Maybe he lives in a Box, maybe he is not living in Your town, or maybe there is somebody at his home wondering where he is.
Say you went on a first date in the Vanilla world , would you EVER meet up at a hotelroom??!?! NEVER !

* Im not on social media
Yeah right !
Everybody has a digital trace in 2020 ( LinkedIn, Twitter, Google search, Facebook,Phonebook, Etc)
If the guy is the man of Your dreams, I give you a tips to start of chatting on messenger.
Maybe also over time befriend him, there are alot of answers on Facebook and other social Media on who you`re dealing with.

* It is fucking ONLINE !
I could say online that im a nobelprice winner, a pilot and have found a Cure for cancer online, yes it might be detected , but I can state whatever I choose. ( thats the beauty of internet)
How easy is`nt to say: I am a Dominant, or fuck that IM BORN DOMINANT.
A) Nobody is born into knowhow
B) Its a walk in the park to state something we are or in the Worst case hope we are online.

* Play on first date
I could Write a book on the topic why you never should play on the first date.
I can as a Dominant garantee to all of you submissives , it dosen`t do it for us ither.
Play in BDSM can actually be Dangerous, and how the fuck to you know the intensions of a guy With a flogger or cane in his hand on the first date ?!?!

* I want to Control you
Contol and telling another person what to do is extremly easy, BDSM is never easy.
The eagerness to control another person is a sure sign on low self-confidece.( don`t belive me, try Google)
Telling others what to do or worse yelling out what a onther person should do ( a sign of a toxic relationship, try Google yet again)
This is not a trait what so ever on a Domiant, the funny part is: It is acutally the opposite.
A Bully or a Asshole, is still a asshole even if he calls himself Dominant.

* Don`t tell Your Vanilla friends about Our relationship
“They don`t understand the BDSM world he say.”
That is 100 % wrong ! Your friends and Family they know you.
And in the most cases With friends in particular hopefully also Your Family:
They want the best for you.
And the best for you is a big enemy for a psychopath.
Tell Your friends, leave out the details (sex and sessions) but do tell.

* Only I know whats best for you
Oh Yeah, how the fuck do you know whats best for anybody you dont know?
I leave that question open for you to figur out on Your own.

* There is only true love in BDSM
This is so wrong, there are love everywhere and love is more then just BDSM, tho a healty BDSM realionship is a pure form of love. But I quess I could say the same on a healty Vanilla relationship.

This was a 10 examples of red flag on Fetlife and in the start of a BDSM relationships, Hell I could give you some more, I hope that the Next time you see one or many of these flags apear that you might just stop for a minute and think : OMG IS THIS A RED FLAG !
Because when you expirience there is no red flag at all – My God BDSM realtionships are Great !


The confidence as a Dominant

Confidence as a Dominant or a man will you not find in a book tho there is a million books on how to build confidence, but fact is that confidence is built and therefore confidence is built over time.
You may have heard the phrase, “fake it til you make it,” and nothing could be more untrue when it comes to confidence. Confidence is a state of mind. Or better yet it’s a frame of mind. It’s a state that I can get myself in to. A feeling that I am capable as a Domiant and a man.

The defination of confidence acording to Quara is:
Confidence means feeling sure of yourself and your abilities — not in an arrogant way, but in a realistic, secure way. Confidence isn’t about feeling superior to others. It’s a quiet inner knowledge that you’re capable.

I as a Dominant are using 4 steps on buliding confidence as a Dominant

1 . Knowledge and willingness to invest time in my submissive.

Building confidence starts With my willingness to learn and seek knowledge and this results in a knowhow and Knowledge builds confidence.
Confidence as a Dominant is also complex because the knowledge and the willingness to learn is built on my Investment in my submissive not only in earlier expiriences.
I as a Domiant must invest time in learing my submissive and be aibel to understand my submissive`s way of thinking.
Confidence as a Dominant is not build on skills With a whip or a flogger, nor yelling commands or give my submissive rules.
The insvestment in learing the most of how my submissive is thinking and reacting gives me as a Dominant confidence because I know as a Domiant that I am capable.

2. I Know my worth.

Self-worth refers to the value I attribute to myself as a person, this is mine values, my ethics, my moral, and mine principles as a Man and Dominant.
Leaing on my integrity will help me across situations and independent of what others think. In other words, it comes from within rather than without. By knowing my worth, I am less reliant on another’s approval.By valuing myself, I am subconsciously requesting that my submissive does the same.
I have chosen her for her worth, and she has chosen me for my worth.

2. I have shifted my thinking from: Does the submissive like me? to Do I like her ?

I mean that it is wrong to obsess over focusing on the other person to like me, I instead ask , “will she make me whole as a Dominant and as a Man? I know what I will give to my submissive, therefor I want my submissive to think the same.
Search for the Connection and try to find out eachothers:  the needs, the wishes for a BDSM relationship and the goals for building such a relationship.
Finding this connection  is much more productive than finding out if the submissive is  as attracted to me. A connection is what makes humans human. In the end, I consider what is more important to me I can say so much : it`s not feeling popular , but rather finding the submissive I  will share my life with.
By thinking this way the focus is on the connection, not who I want to be, but rather who I am.

3. I Take the initiative.

I said in a Christmas party that I feel that I have the responsibillity for my relationship.
The vanilla friend looked at me as if I was cracy.
Yes the relationship is my submissive and me, we both are equal parts in the relationship, but the responsibillity is mine as a Dominant.
This will a submissive women understand naturally and this will also match her thinking on the relationship. Many in vanilla relationships and maybe also some feel this way in the start of a BDSM relationship feel that they have to be chosen, No. I have the ability to choose. I want her that is completing me as a Dominant and Man.
I take the initiative on what I want, I have the responsibillity for the relationship and I don’t have to sit around . . .I like the initiative , I crave the initiative and I take the initiative.

4. I am not searching for perfection, I want a submissive with flaws.

I as a Domiant and man have flaws, with this in mind I want my submissive to have flaws.
I said perfection is a “dangerous” word, I say that it`s a good plan to delete it from Our vernacular altogether. Perfectionism, or compulsive attempts to attain the unattainable, is a recipe for failure and a key to unhappiness. In my search for my submissive, there is no such thing as perfect , as I know that I am not perfect myself. Love is in my mind is loving the flaws , as I want my submissive to love my flaws, Our flaws are what make us beautiful.
I want the parts that you`ve tried to throw away.
The parts that you were convinced no one ever could love.



The submissives confidence

I state that my submissive makes me the Dominant man I am, and she also holds some of the keys that makes me whole as a man and Dominant.
Out of many reponsibilities I have as a Dominant on of them is to make her shine.
If you see a BDSM relationship with the understanding from a Vanilla lifestyle, BDSM might apear “Dangerous” and for Dominant to “use” women.
I will state that this is 100 % wrong.
Yes, unfortunately there is some “dominants” that play by these rules and “use” their power as Domiant, but they got it all wrong and this is not BDSM.
Unless you understand the nature of a D/s relationship, you would think that degradation and abuse is the purpose of the relationship when looking from the outside. But the path to develop the sensual submissive desires within a woman is to build her self-confidence and make her feel beautiful, sexy, cherished and deeply desired and this is what vanilla people or fake “dominants” don`t understand and I state they never will  without experiencing it for themselves.
A BDSM relationship is a complex and deep form of relationship , the foundation of the BDSM realationship is a lot of dynamics that is core in this form for realationship. For now let’s forget that about the Dominant with the whip/paddle/hand/belt involved in this relationship and Focus  on her and some of her sexual needs & some of her desires.

Building Up Her Confidence Creates A Sexy submissive

How to make a woman how to feel even more sexy and more able to express her sexual desires.
I state that the foundation is her self-confidence. Confidence is the essence of sexy. It is the energy we feel that draws people to us. Regardless of the nature of her sexual desires, to make any woman feel more sexier, you must build up her self-confidence. That is the key to understanding how to nurture a beautiful woman, to build her confidence from beeing a woman to be a sexy woman and submissive. She is always offcourse a woman at the core, but there is a big difference, a submissive with confidence as a submissive is breathtaking for me as a Dominant.

In her journey through life, her former partners, friends and family have a way of permanently scarring us with their words and actions.This is true if it`s postive remarks or negative, but especially negativ words and actions might unfortunately stick even harder. These words or actions might permanently alter our self-perception – her looks, her sex appeal, her body, her weight, her sexual ability. These emotional scars are within her (most likely) the common thing of all I mentioned is that over time will kill all self-confidence in her.
Part of being a  Dominant is being able to recognize and remove the psychological obstacles in the way of a woman feeling highly self-confident, highly sexual and highly desired as a submissive.
I as a Dominant state that this is core of freeing my submissive from what she might have as some of her expirience.
A strong and confident submissive is like fuel to the flame for me as a Dominant and
I can guarantee by building her confidence as a woman and a submissive, will overtime help us both in building the dynamic in our relationship.

Let me give you one of many examples on changing the self-perception of a submissive woman.
let`s say I will give her a task , the task is to shop for a some sexy stockings In the process of shopping her special outfit ensures her mind is aroused for several days or weeks in advance which serves to extend mental foreplay of anticipation out to several days/weeks in advance of our beeing together. And the great part is this is a win-win for both me as her Dominant and for her as a submissive. She is doing her task with me as her Dominant in mind, she is starting the process of beeing sexy and confident for me as her Dominant.
On the night she is supposed to wear the things she has bought, we hit the shops together to buy a dress that even more build her confidence and that all she is wearing that night is for me as her Dominant.
These actions will indeed create a reaction.In the process of her dressing up, she will feel very beautiful, highly self-confident, desired and extremely aroused and she knows that she are getting sexy for me as her Dominant.
I do belive also that when she is getting dressed that night she will feel special and I know that while she is dressing she has the feeling that for the first time she is doin it for me as her Dominant.
The effect is great I can garantee it.
I do belive this example is one of many I as a Dominant can do to remind her how beautiful she is and remind her that a simple task can build confidence.

Building up a person’s self-confidence is not a quick fix but this is a good starting point to build from. It takes consistent love, support and encouragement over time for someone to accept themselves and to see their own value.Praise costs us nothing to give but it is priceless to the recipient – remind Your submissive how beautiful she is a woman and submissive and praise her often. Remember, it is a process over time; not an event.
By building up the sexual confidence of a submissive, she will feel powerful to freely express her sexual desire. So now might learned that Domination is not an act of abuse and degradation of women. It is an act of great caring and love of a woman. Only a Dominant man who truly loves, cherishes and appreciates a submissive could unleash them sexually and build a lot of confidence in her.
Grow Your submissives self confidence is on of many things Domination is all about.
This is one of the reasons I state:
When you get a taste of a real Dominant, the rest of the world never really tastes the same.

The principles

Without mutual respect a relationship is doomed for failure. This goes for vanilla and BDSM relationships.Respect each other’s roles and determination to succeed in this beautiful lifestyle.
Just a few days ago I came across a quote on Fetlife that inspired me to write this blog
The quote was :
“Nothing is more beautiful as a submissive when she is at her weakest.” I state this is 100% wrong, In my mind and my expirience in BDSM is actually totaly opposite.

Nothing is more beautiful as a submissive when she is the STRONGEST!

In my mind this BDSM is about respect and integrity No one is invulnerable, unfeeling, or unworthy of at least initial respect. Not everyone does things the same, and that’s okay, too. There’s more than one way to have impact play, to process pain, to follow thru rules and protocol, to build trust, to take care of  your submissive or simply to bring the biggest smile ever to a hard-working submissive. Be very grateful if you can master one of these ways.
Never take your partners for granted. I as a Dominant depend on my submissive, I let her lean on me as needed by my submissive,  but never forget that their presence in your life is a choise from both submissive and me as a Dominant, not as a entitlement. beacuse respect is an incalculable gift. Therefor never take your submissive or me as a Dominant for granted.
In the core values in my Company , the first Word is Excellence.
Aim at excellence. Doing the right thing means doing the best you can in whatever situation you find yourself. If you don’t have an idea of what would be the best outcome, how can you choose among your different options? Whatever your roles, whichever techniques you use, learn all you can and aim to perform at the highest level you’re capable of reaching. Superficial BDSM, like superficial sex,  it’s often not worth the effort. Good play can be casual or spontaneous, but only with a solid foundation of skill, empathy, and desire. If you don’t do the prep work, you can’t reach the highest rewards. Lots of practice won’t make you perfect, because no one is, but it will help you become the best you can be, this goes for me as a Dominant and should also be a goal for my submissive.
Treat others at least as well as yourself. The Golden Rule — “Treat others as you would like to be treated” — is a great ethical principle, but for use in BDSM, where we typically desire a distinct difference of power or status, it needs a qualification: “Treat others as you would like to be treated if you were them. With this inmind I as a Dominant can also show my submissive sympathy and empathy, cos I will state if I don`t treat my submissive as good as I where her I could never demand her to show me respect as a Dominant. I want her to get the opportunity to understand my Dominans as I understand her submission.
Principles is core in all good things we do for another person.
Because I think that to be in a healty BDSM relationship celebrate each other: Lift each other up and celebrate the small and large victories together.Because a BDSM relationship is all about bringing the core in who we are in oneanother.
Therefor I state :
Nothing is more beautiful as a submissive when she is the STRONGEST!
And I want my submissive to state the same about me:
Nothing is more beautiful as a Dominant when he is the STRONGEST!

The Patience

Patience is a virtue and I dare to say especially in a BDSM relationship. And it’s usually those who matter most to us that we tend to be the least patient with.
Unfortunately in BDSM in the most cases it is about rushing in to play, scenes, and starts by giving the sub a million and one protocols, rules and rushing into a Owner/submissive relationship.
” If you want build something solid, it will always take a solid time”
My statement is that my Dominance is a gift to give, and the submissives submission is something I value, therefor it take time, I will correct myself : it takes a lot of time.
If I don`t have the time as a Dominant to learn about my submissive, how can I give her the best I can give her, there is no value in giving anything away before I know that she is worth my gift, and yes , this should be the exact same way a submissive should be thinking. The gift you as a submissive want to give me as a Dominant is first deep and genuine if you want me as your Dominant because you have seen overtime that I am worthy your submission, This means  who I am , what I stand for, What I belive in, is worth the gift, there is no value in it if you give this to everybody and everyone.
We might all have expirience in our lifes when we give something away and it is not appreciated, most likely where this started out wrong is that you give something away impatiently. There is no value in the gift , because “easy come is easy GO!”

When we act impatiently towards someone, it might end up totally the opposite  of what you hoped and wished for. It communicates that I give away what say I cherish the most, but it really do not matter who will be my submissive.Then the Domination automatically loose it`s value.
And I know so many in the BDSM comunity who gives away alot without any meaning.
Offcourse you can meet People from the BDSM comunity and play, but there is no deepth in a one-night stand, there is no value over time in random play.
The big risk by beeing impatient is also at risk of taking my submissive for granted. If left unchecked, these feelings can weaken the sense of safety in our BDSM relationship. At first, lack of patience may seem like nothing to be concerned about. But this can start an unhealthy BDSM relationship.

Patience is necessary if we are to see the best in each other. It’s needed to keep our BDSM relationship meaningful and inspiring. In fact, if one isn’t making a conscious effort to learn to appreciate my submissive every day – taking time to seriously consider  her needs – I can’t expect my relationship to grow. More often than not, such a BDSM relationship loses its purpose and meaning. A valuable and essential connection is lost.
A quote I read is as following: ” patience is a bitter thing, but that the fruit of it is sweet.” The truth is we have to work at building our  BDSM relationships if they are to give us the Sweet fruit.
Therefor is the beginning and patience of a BDSM relationship so important we learn to love because of someone’s best qualities and learn to love them, in spite of their worst. However, a lack of patience not only highlight someone’s best qualities, but also makes it impossible to tolerate their worst.

However, to build a solid and stable future with someone, patience is not just something to hope or wish for, but is an essential component that must be achieved. It is a necessity, not a luxury in our lives.
Solid BDSM relationships are built on solid individuals and Patience builds character.
Patience shows your submissive that she is loved for who she is and I value her and our relationship enough to see beyond her “faults.”
Therefor it is also important that my submissive is patience, because I as a Dominant want to be loved for who I am, what my value is and our relationship is strong enough to see beyond my “faults”.

The eyes

In BDSM as in all other aspects in a relationships there are many formes of communication.
Communication and intimacy involve sharing and respecting each other’s personal thoughts and feelings. Commitment and Security. In order to create a strong relationship, both partners need to be committed and feel secure.
They say a Picture can tell you a million Words, in this featured Picture also the text give away the importance of eye contact.

As I have already have written earlier here on my blog , communication in BDSM is key.
And not only the verbal communication thats extremly important in any relationship.
The power of eye contact is one of the most important skills you can develop. Eye contact informs the way others view us and affects all types of relationships, from those in the workplace to close friendships and maybe especially in a BDSM relationship. So, why does the way we look (or don’t look) at others influence our perceptions to such as strong degree? It turns out that this is a uniquely human phenomenon.
Anthropologists theorize that the importance of eye contact stems from something called the “cooperative eye hypothesis.” Humans can tell what other humans are thinking and feeling based on the direction of our eyes. This is because the whites of our eyes are much larger than other primates, making it easy to see where our eyes point. In contrast, other primates use the direction of the head to determine what others are focused on.

Eye contact with a stranger can achive so many things; boldness/confidence, attraction, strenght, flirtyness or even “Come closer”… Many people cannot maintain eye contact because they lack confidence or they find it just too intense emotionally.
Eye contact with a partner can offer direct access to their mind and no doubt is a Clear way to commincate. Over dinner, I like to silently stare intensely into the eyes of a women like a hungry wolf surveying his prey, knowing that my “stare” is making her react on a non verbal form of communication.. Knowing how to push the invisible buttons is most of the fun.
By maintaining eye contact with her alone and not look after other beautiful women passing by in public conveys that you don’t desire other women and you deeply desire her alone. That is a very powerful emotional and sexual signal to send.
As a couple, the silent signals we exchange through eye contact says so much about the strength of their connection as a couple even when apart – “It’s time to leave this party”, “Meet me in the powder room in 3 minutes”, “Come closer”, “Come fuck me”…
There is something deeply primal and deeply intimate about looking into the eyes of a partner during sex and also offcourse under BDSM play, It is like looking into their soul. That is a very powerful connection during a deeply intimate act. I want her to see how I am craving her and let my “read” her eyes just like she is Reading my eyes. I want to see every single facial expression as I touch her body. I want her to see my passion and desire for her. Most importantly, I want to be looking deep into her eyes at climax.
Another example is eye contact during a blow job, every man or Dominant knows how powerfull eye contact is.
There is a big difference in a submissive sucking my cock who at the same time look my deep in the eyes, I know it`s just the same the other way around.
If i lick my submissive she feels evry inch of my tounge even better if she at the same time are looking at the passion in my eyes.
There is a big difference in fucking your submissive while looking in her eyes, licking her or even undressing her.
I do mean  the secret of good sex is how you connect, and eyes are there the most important tool.
As a Dominant I can over time give orders and commandos to my submissive only with the expretion in my eyes, and quess what, the submissive is sending the same signals to us Dominant.
BDSM without connection is like a fish without water , it`s not just important, it is essential.
A common punishment in BDSM might be to tell your submissive to not have the chance to see a Dominant in the eyes, maybe give her the order to look in to the floor.
This is always powerful because both knows about the power of commincate with the eyes.
If you as a Domiant uses this technic on your submissive, it is crusial that I as a Dominant never look away from my submissive or takes my eyes from her.
I can garantee that she feels every second of your eyes staring down on her.

I never do breathplay without explaing to my submissive how important it is to give the submissive the information to look deep into my eyes at the same time, I can also here garantee both of you a whole other expirience.

Eye contact during spanking is close to impossible ( beside if you spank the submissive from infront), but most likely I spank my submissive from behind.
Also in this situastion eye contact is important, but then after you have spanked your submissive.
I say as a technic for Domiant to move around alot during play, this gives you as a Domiant the opportunity to see the reaction from her body, but also give me a Domiant the possibility to look into her eyes how the submissive is reacting.

In aftercare eye contact is even more important then in those few examples I just wrote as examples.
In aftercare I will assert that eyes, Your voice as a Domiant and what you do is essential.
But once again it all starts With your eyes….The gateway to the soul !


The training

I have previously written a post on the topic ” Training a Dominant”.
As you might know in BDSM the leash always in a 24/7 relationship goes both ways.
Training is something we do to learn something new, be aibel to gain more expirience and understanding why and how we do it.
Training is simply another word for learning or education and you might know the statement: “Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough we must do.”
In the beautiful world of BDSM I do mean training is core in a 24/7 relationship.
To be more spesific regarding a D/s relationship , training is meant to adjust the submissives core attitudes and behaviors to be more in tune with her Owner. D/s training is as I see it not breaking Down, but rather braking in!
Beacause I mean in the center of training a submissive/slave is not to change her, but let her understand that training is to free her.
Training is not breaking down, because I want you to learn to let go. The goal of  the training might be : understanding what is expected of you, learn the right and wrong way to go about certain tasks and anything else that I wishes to apply in the process of the submissive/slave to let me break in. Training of a submissive/slave is as important if she all new to the BDSM relationship as if she has years of expirience.
Why ? Because during training I break in, and this expirience builds this strong and good dynamic between my submissive/slave and me, but also a Clear understanding of what I as a Dominant want from my submissive/slave.

By the time we enter into a relationship and before training starts, I always want my submissive to find knowledge of her own  and finding the answars to very personal questions, questions like :
Do I want this or do I need this ?
What good will most likely happen in such a relationship ?Is there any negative impact on my life With this lifestyle ?What consequences might that have for your M/s relationship? What will you achieve with your Dominant(Owner)? What is my strengths as a submissive/slave? Does what your Dominant(Owner) offer match what you as a submissive/slave seeks? What is your purpose in entering a Master/slave relationship?
There are 100 of questions , but the funny part here is that you as a submissive/slave knows all these questions already that`s relavant for you. ( or I hope you do)

Typically you have acknowledged if not embraced your submissive need and you have resolutely decided to move forward in exploring it ( thats maybe why you have a profile here on Fetlife) .From that point most of the time we are eager to learn more about the the lifestyle, you want to understand more about your submissive nature and you might also be committed to a Dominant. So why is the training then nescessary?
Rember the part about breaking in ? Thats why and why is it that maybe the idea of beginning training might be so unsettling?
I believe that the reason is this. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the unknown is a universal experience among humankind. It you think about it, I’m certain you can recall many times in your own past when you experienced it. The idea of submissive training makes us feel uneasy and insecure because we have so little knowledge about it.

Therefor I will as a Dominant give you some advise…..Seek knowledge on your own, talk to friends, (Vanilla or BDSM) ,ask yourself some of the questions I gave as excamples ( Or let me be specific: Ask yourself the questions that you think is important to you)
buy books on Kindle and search the web on what others think training of a submissive actually is.
And maybe the most important thing to understand as I see it:
Get the answers from Your Dominant what he/I think training of you as a submissive/slave is and also what`s the purpose of this training.

It is easy to assume, given the dynamics of a power exchange relationship, that training is a  one-way street. In other words, in the training process, all the instruction flows downhill from me the Domiant to my submissive/slave and all learning is absorbed by you the submissive/slave. Actually nothing could be further from the truth. Training is in fact a arena where instruction and learning flows back and forth in both directions. It is definitely a two-way process.

Yes, I the Dominant instructs and you learn yet at the same time I is also learning and in a sense being taught. Perhaps not in the sense that I am learning new skills or techniques, but I am learning about you, your own unique personality, capabilities and who you really are. These lessons helps me formulate specific goals, plans and strategies for your training, training that is individualized and specific to you as my submissive/slave. In the exciting phase in not to break you down, but let me break all in.

Training is also to prepare my submissive/slave for rules, rituals and protocol, but hey thats for a future post.

The Question

As a lifestyle Dominant, the amount of times I have been asked: ” why submit to you” is so rare, and the crazy part is this is a very valid question.
It`s even more then a valid question , it`s decisive.
Every individual has their own reasoning for why they choose submission or to submit and those questions are best answered by a submissive – I am a Dominant.
In this blog, I won’t be answering the question directly as to why an individual should submit to my as a Dominant. Let me start by saying there is a significant difference between the question, why should I submit to you and, why submit?
I am writing this to provoke thought in those who may be thinking or have asked the very generalized and curious question, why submit?

Why Submit?
My response to this question almost always ends up being a returned question; How many relationships have you been in that you sacrificed yourself for your partner and you weren’t cherished, acknowledged or appreciated for them?
I generally ask this question rhetorically, I know the answer.
In my experience, if a new or curious individual asks this question it’s for a few common reasons.
They’ve previously  maybe been taken advantage of by a partner.
They have maybe given themselves to a partner and felt unacknowledged – alone.
They have maybe a preconceived notion/assumption of how a D&s exchange is/works.
Now that I have answered the original question with a question, let’s assume I am right and they have responded to my question with the acknowledgement that they’ve been in a situation like I’ve mentioned above.
Great! Let’s proceed into how this translates into an answer to the question, why submit?
In many current as well as past relationships, an individual has and will do everything for their partner with little to no appreciation or recognition for what they have and/or are doing. Sometimes, so much so that they are left to feel meaningless, unwanted.
This is in complete contrast to the underlying principles of a Dominant and submissive exchange/relationship. There are many fundamentals to a D&s exchange, but here are a few core principles – trust, understanding, and appreciation.
The trust that a Dominant won’t take advantage of a submissive’s choice to submit and to know that the Dominant is there to protect, provide and develop the submissive. The trust in the Dominant’s intentions, that they are pure , not cruel and unkind.
The mutual understanding that they both serve a purpose to each other. The Dominant’s understanding of the sacrifices a submissive makes for the Dominant – it’s a choice, not an obligation and the submissive’s understanding of the relentless focus a Dominant must maintain in order to lead the submissive into submission.
I have in many other blogs named this as the circle of BDSM.
Lastly but certainly not least, the appreciation I as a Dominant maintains for my submissive, knowing my submissive journey in her development, always having in mind that what my submissive is giving to me as her Dominant is the greatest gift she can give, likewise my Dominance I give to her is the best I give her. ( The circle)

Now that one understands a few of the important principles, the equal parts connection, and desire that binds them… why submit?
Imagine this.
Doing the dishes, cleaning, completing tasks and making dinner is not submission.
Therefor I never focus on these tasks.
I have never met a woman that will grow by cleaning and doing the dishes.
What actually is a reason to submit is the relationship dynamic and follow a few core principles of a D&s exchange – trust, understanding and appreciation.

Allow me to shear a statement :
“People never change, they just become more of who they really are”

With this in mind there is also a answer on the question ” Why submit?”
If you as me acknowledge this fact, and you are a real submissive why not become more of who you are, and if you are as myself a Domiant you know that becoming more of who you are is essential in beeing a Domiant.
There is a dynamic here that is key to “why submit?”
Bare in mind we as People never change, we just need to find our partner ( my submissive in my case/ Your Dominant if your are a submissive.)
If everybody was complety honest this would be a simple task, but as you know ” honesty is rare”.
Many hope to be, wishes to be, trying to be, but this has nothing to become more of who they really are.
This is the same for Dominants and submissives
There are countless examples as such I could provide you where relationships are wrong and even dangerous. This is also true in BDSM relationships where it is wrong to submit. But I will state that it is never wrong or dangerous if the man you submit to take this responsibllity devoloping you to become more of who you are, and always takes decisions that always keep your best in mind.

Think back to one of your old relationships and ask yourself:
If I trusted and knew they weren’t simply taking advantage, we both had a mutual understanding for our roles in the relationship and sacrifices as well as myself weren’t unnoticed and unappreciated?
How would that have impacted the relationship? How would it have improved the love you shared?
So, the next time you ask yourself why submit or ask a friend why they have chosen to submit. Perhaps ask, what is the quality of the relationship? How strong is the love in a D&s exchange or, how powerful is the connection between Dominant and submissive?
Remember, this article doesn’t answer the question of why submit to an individual Dominant. This article doesn’t answer the question, “why should I submit to you?” Those questions are much more personal and should be answered by the individual who’s asked and should be answered with far more thought.
Let me end this blog like this:

To submit you need a Man you respect, and respects you.
To submit you need a man that values your submission and you as a submissive value the Dominantion.
To submit you need trust, and a Dominant that`s always honest.
To submit you need to be strong, and a Dominant who knows that strenght is what I do, not what I say.
To submit you need a partner and a Dominant that always protects.
To submit you need a provider and a Dominant that always making decisions that keep your best in mind.


The art of no safeword

No safeword ?! Are you crazy !
Well I have heard it all before, so many submissive`s and also Domiants I have talked about this topic has reacted just in the manner most likely you do, when you are reading the start of this blog.
Safeword have been a keyword in BDSM so much that even outside the kink world have heard of them.
I got a qustion today : ” I fear if there is not a safeword it might go wrong and the trust might be broken forever”
I replied that I agree in the statment if the Dominant is not expirienced it might go very wrong and this is much of the reasons why I don`t use safeword.
I as a Dominant need trust, I will correct myself I base my hole Dominans on trust, this trust I have been given will I protect and cherish as the most valauble gift any other person can give me.
A Dominant without trust is like a fish without water……Trust is essential.
And if trust is so essential for me , why in the world would i risk loosing it ?
Yes , it might be “easier” for some to have a safeword ( also as a Domiant) but my submissive would not know how highly I value the trust I have been given.
During a scene chemicals moves, trust is given, passion is building, power and empowerment is clear, together we become one and during the whole scene I must keep it safe.
A alternative to all of this above is a safeword that chrushes it all.
The key is be aibel to read my submissive in the scene, see how she is reacting, see and understand her bounderies and maybe most important Commuication !

We use so many words in our day-to-day relationships to communicate with our partner. We tell them how we feel, we tell them when we are sad and when we had a shitty day. We tell them when we feel like we have been wronged. Why should BDSM be any different? Why should we take all of that beautiful, complex language and reduce it down to one word. Safewords are a tool, and we are using them wrong.
Why  take all the communication and replace it  for instance with Red as a safeword Why should this singel word be better than all communication – verbal and no verbal ?
I have play using edge play. Where no doesn’t exactly mean no, and where the submissive offcourse are allowed to fight back and must communicate to me as a Domiant.
Removal of a few of words like: no  “red” and stop. dosen`t meen that I don`t understand the Words No and Stop , but I now have to more then understand them I have to read the situation and take communication to a higher state of understanding verbal and non-verbal.

You can practice BDSM without safewords. You can play and have no mean something. You can play with someone who will listen to you when you ask to be let down using more words than just ‘red’. The thought that when someone engages in BDSM all of the beautiful powerful communication more then just using simple Words it will accutaly be more safe, even binding me and my submissive even more and trust and respect is key in any situation of the scene.
“that is how everyone does it” makes me profoundly uncomfortable. Maybe it should make you uncomfortable too.


The reason why

As I has blogged about previosly TPE is the highest form of a BDSM relationship and its not possible to have TPE if there is not a 24/7 Ownership and a relationship as a  fundation . And as I see it, TPE is not a static form of relationship, quite the contrary, TPE is the Magic of the circle of BDSM.
I see a TPE based BDSM relationship as a common development and journey for me and my slave/sub.
And where there is common development, there usualy is common goals for the relationship.
Owning a slave/sub is as all Dominant knows the highest form for responsibility I can have, therefor it is important first and foremost before talking about TPE both parties need to understand and communicate why and also how the TPE should develop and be implemented to the BDSM relationship.
In the BDSM community, there are quite a few mentions of TPE. This is especially true when discussing fantasies. Despite the fact that there are many fantasy-based desires for a Total Power Exchange, very few people are actually comfortable engaging in it, in real life. The vanila thinking does apply and therefor a slave are often afraid to give that much of themselves to another person, even though the thought may temporarily excite them.

What I think is important are that TPE involves a lack of limits and completely entrenched slavery with potentially very much and communication for my slave and me. TPE can be a controversial practice, as well. BDSM often hinges on consent, and the gray area of consensual non-consent is a hot-button issue. Still, TPE is the desirable dynamic for me as a Domiant. As with any lifestyle choices, it is not without any bumps in the journey.

Just as in vanilla life, the road to mastering lifestyles in BDSM can be rather tough. There are factors that will distract, discourage, deflate, and possibly defeat. If beeing a Owner in a TPE relationship were easy, everyone would master something. In practice, we all know that is not the case. Even though it will be difficult, we still strive for the best possible outcome, because achieving the extraordinary is extremely fulfilling. So it is worth the effort to overcome these obstacles.  And there will be obstacles and also times where TPE is hard to keep in everyday life.

Distraction is a part of everyday life. But this temptation for distraction can be built into the framework of how a life is controlled and a platform for my slave/sub to consentrate around the most important part, ” I am totaly Owned and live in a TPE Relationship”.

For my slave/sub to implement this way of thinking she needs protocols, rules and the 4 P`s I have given to her ( Protector, Penelizer, Partner and Provider) All of this is written in the slavebook she keeps.This is the fundation for my slave/sub to turn to remind her of the TPE relationship and for me as her Dominant to follow thru and give her room to grow in the TPE relationship.
I as a Domiant can never give the 4 P`s and build a TPE relationship on my own, I need the slave/sub to have exactly the same goals for the relastionship as me and be sure that she works hard for a TPE relationship , the deeper the TPE is in my slave/sub the stonger is my Ownership and also as we both can build something deeper, more profound and stronger then any vanilla relationship or BDSM relationships that`s not founded on TPE.
I know from expirience that a TPE relationship is how the circle of BDSM is strongest and I as a Dominant shine the most.


Up ↑