The emotinal control

While the physical is important, it is not enough to develop a relationship. We all have met those people who are physically beautiful but very ugly inside. Just because a person is fit and/or good-looking does not mean they are candidates for any type of intimate relationship. This is where the emotional needs enter into the picture.

The BDSM world is full of abusive jerks. These are the people who have the ability to really hurt ones who fall for their garbage. Just because one is submissive, that does not mean she is weak and meant to be abused. Anyone who used BDSM as a guise for physical or psychological abuse is a rat. The lifestyle is not about that.

Nor is one in a position of dominance if he or she cannot control him/herself. I have already mentioned the idea of being out of control in terms of feeding oneself. However, there is another area that many people are completely off the wall and yet few seem to mention it. This is the emotional arena and it is what makes or breaks relationships.

So many dominants behave as if they are bipolar. They simply lack any emotional control in any area of life. These are the people who yell at the girl at the checkout counter. People of this sort make terrible Doms/Masters because of the fact that they are lacking within themselves. Usually, people who have this outlook suffer from low self-esteem. Their behavor is a means of compensation for the internal lack. It is not a situation that will work out well for a submissive. Instead, she often becomes the focus of his/her insecurity. In the end, it is not a pretty picture.

We have all witnessed a grown person behaving like a child in public. This is another example of imagery, only this time it puts us off. The impact of this person’s behavior is negative. A lack of control, especially on the part of the dominant one, is a sign of weakness. To me, it should be a warning sign of things to come. I find that it is not very long before things come to a head and this person explodes. The world is full of these people and you do not want one of them as a Dom/Master.

Contrast this with the image of the person who is always “calm, cool, and collected”. We see many people in the movies who are this way. No matter what the situation, they always have their heads on straight. Their confidence is overwhelming. The heroines are attracted to men of this ilk because they provide the emotional stability to get them through all circumstances. In this regard, reality matches the fantasy. A submissive wants to be able to depend upon a dominant one. However, to do this, that person needs to be emotionally consistent. If not, the sub has to play the guessing game which is impossible to win. A life based upon this will mean she ends up continually “walking on eggshells”. This is not a fun existence.

Therefore, hold onto your imagery. The BDSM lifestyle is one where you are free to choose what you desire. All avenues are open to you. The key is to make the proper choices for what fits your needs. Implant the image of what you want in your head and work towards bringing it into reality. There is no reason why you cannot do this. However, before focusing outward, take a look at yourself. How fit are you both physically and emotionally? If you are lacking in either area, perhaps it is time to get started on correcting those shortcomings. Trust me when I tell you focusing on these two areas is very impactful.

The clarity

This is a topic that is rarely discussed within the BDSM community yet seems to be crucial to success. Few ever really consider the enormous responsibility that being in control of another entails. Instead, they believe having a sub/slave simply means freedom to do whatever you want to that person sexually. This is far from a complete picture.

Every relationship needs a direction. This might sound a bit anal but it is true. Whether we are looking at BDSM or the traditional world, people need to grow. By extension, relationships need to do the same thing. We have all heard of people breaking up because “they drifted apart”. Here is a prime example of a how a relationship goes in a particular direction. Unfortunately, it is a negative one.

It is best to be proactive in life. When entering into a BDSM relationship, it is best to be active in the choices you make. Making decisions is a crucial skill as a Dom/Master. This all starts with having a clear understanding of what you are seeking. Without this knowledge, one is apt to drift aimless from one whim to the next. Of course, in BDSM, this means that a sub/slave is following along just as aimlessly.

Getting clear entails going within. As mentioned, there is a great deal more to the BDSM lifestyle than just kinky sex. Most people quickly realize that when life suddenly strikes them in the face after entering a relationship of this sort; the “honeymoon” period ends with a bang. What comes when the orgasmic fling ends?

Knowing what you want in life is one of the most challenging things there is. Many self improvement experts tout how vital this is to success and happiness. Sadly, most fall short in this area judging by the state of most people’s lives. Those of us in BDSM have taken at least an initial step. We realized that the traditional is not what we wanted. Instead, we sought out a different way of living that is better suited to our needs.


The next step is to get clear what you want to get out of BDSM. Do you want to be involved with it full time or is it just something that is going to be a “play session” for you? Are you seeking love and romance or simply an emotionless interaction based upon sex? Do you want monogamy or poly?  This list of questions that one needs to ask oneself to gain that clarity could go on. The point is that a great deal more insight is needed if one is to have a happy and successful time in this lifestyle.

Compatibility is a premium in relationships. When people are not compatible, it is like trying to mix water and oil. It does not work. Sure anyone can get along when they are having orgasmic sex 22 hours a day. However, as we all know, that time fades and life sets in. What then? This is where a Dom requires the clarity of where to take things. Being with someone who has similar interests, desires, wishes, and goals is extremely helpful. Of course, this means that you have them yourself. Take the time to determine these things.

It is impossible to know everything up front. Nevertheless, your chances of success are greatly increased if you have some general idea about what you want. Broad guidelines are helpful in eliminating those people who are not a good fit for you. Like all aspects of life, not everyone is compatible with each other. Just because one person is dominant and the other submissive, that is not a basis for compatibility. Trust me when I tell you there needs to be more there.

Get clear about what you want. Clarity is something that is invaluable in life. Here is no exception

The Aftercare

This is a topic that does not get a lot of coverage online. However, this is an extreme part of the BDSM lifestyle. Those who engage in any sort of extreme scenes are at risk unless they take the precautions needed for a smooth conclusion.

A BDSM scene is something that can affect a sub on many different levels. Obviously, there is the physical component which is well illustrated by the pics posted online. In addition to this, there is also the mental/emotional/spiritual component that needs to be addressed. It is this second aspect which will allow a sub to maintain dignity while continuing participation in these acts.

The simple truth is that a BDSM scene is often degrading. This is part of the process since separation between Dom and sub is truly emphasized. Often, the process of humiliation is employed to enhance the experience of each during the scene. Personally, I find this to be a major turn-on which does provide for a better experience. The problem arises when a sub takes what is being said to heart. This is where Aftercare emerges as a crucial element.

A simple definition of Aftercare is the treating of a sub after a BDSM scene. This includes all the different aspects mentioned above. To start, a Dom will address the physical wounds. They should be cleaned and dressed to prevent infection, encourage healing, and lessen pain. After that, the emotional and mental “wounds” should be tended to.

In a situation like this, it is not uncommon for a sub to need some compassionate contact with a Dom. Her worth should be reaffirmed. Expression of her ability in performing during the scene should be stressed. Also, compliments designed to truly lift her self-esteem should be offered. The vital aspect is that she receives some attention from the Dom.

Naturally, the Aftercare will vary depending upon the relationship of the parties. For example, it is not uncommon for professional Dom/Domme to place a call to the sub the day after to ensure that he or she is alright and to offer further reaffirmation. In cases where the two are involved in an ongoing relationship, extra attention and care the days following is productive.


The bottom line is that it is a Dom’s responsibility to take a sub to the edge during a scene. However, there is nothing worse than dropping this person like a lead balloon after taking him or her to extravagant heights. Nothing will ensure a smooth landing like solid Aftercare. Do not overlook this crucial step.

The dependency

BDSM takes the idea of dependency to another level. A fundamental premise of our relationship is the exchange of power. Unlike the traditional world, we establish a built-in dependency by invoking unequal power distribution. The scenario of the child is replicated in some manner.

I find this idea gets a bit more intensified when one goes further out on the power spectrum. submissives who choose to give total power and control over to another enter into the realm where they are completely dependent upon the Master/Owner. Of course, this will vary based upon the criteria that the Master/Owner establishes. Nevertheless, a submissive comes to rely upon her Master/Owner for everything. He is the provider for what she needs. While she might have a hand in the acquisition, all decisions are ultimately mine.

Naturally, most people are aware of this. Trust is something that is discussed quite often pertaining to BDSM. Over time, in a healthy relationship, the trust will grow. At the same time, I am a believer that the dependence will also take on deeper levels. The main goal is to develop the relasionship from wanting me to needing me. As you can see, the depth is seriously altered when one goes from want to need.

However, there is another side of the equation that few seem to mention. The focus is always upon the dependence of a submissive on a Master/Owner. Few take the time to consider the fact that a Master/Owner, as the relationship grows and strengthens, also comes to rely upon his slave. It is a two-sided equation. Of course, here is where we run into the barbaric egos of dominants who will swear up and down that they are independent.This shows their obtuse outlook because of the simple fact that Doms/Masters still suffer from the disease of being human. It cannot be altered no matter how much one tries. Therefore, in a healthy, developing relationship, one will come to depend upon the other person.

Micromanaging is not something that I enjoy, thus I operate from the place, this is your responsibility, I expect it attended to. And, fortunately, it usually is. Of course, that means that I have no idea where things are or how they are done. Under normal circumstances, she simply takes care of them.

This is altered when she is not here. Now, I am the fool who is stuck looking for things since I have no idea where anything is kept. The domestic duties back up since that is her department, one which I pay no mind. Things that I take for granted in my daily life are only that way because I depend upon her to do them. This is a simple example but one that shows how a Master/Owner becomes dependent upon a submissive to meet even his most basic needs.

My point is that dependence will occur naturally in a healthy, deepening relationship.
This is what happens when people focus upon growing and being stronger. It is a natural outcome.

The lifestyle

The word lifestyle is a term that I never truly liked. Nevertheless, it is fitting in the sense that it denotes those people who have a deeper commitment to this way of life than just scening. When I look at BDSM, it is not a lifestyle I chose as much as it is my life. This is what I live each day. I do not awaken and opt for a dominant role but, rather, simply fall into it. Interacting with one who is submissive is natural to me because of what is within me. This is not something that is created or developed as much as it is uncovered. It took a while and was a bit of a process. And it is something that most who pursue this path deeply undergo.

To me, those who choose this as a lifestyle have a power exchange relationship at the core of their lives (or desire one). This is a distinction from those who want to add a little spice to their lives. Many are perfectly content with a relationship based upon equality. However, those of us who found our way here realized at some point that was not for us. A dominant wishes to have the power tilted in his/her favor while a submissive is desiring that same dynamic. While the areas that power exchange pertains to varied from each person, the common ground with all is that it exists.

Another thing that I noticed is the level of commitment that people have to this way of life. Now, I will admit that not everyone is an advocate nor willing to engage in behavior that promotes the lifestyle as a whole. However, because of the Internet, we seem more and more people voicing their opinions about matters that are important to them. There are now patches of people all over the world who hold BDSM in high regard and are willing to defend it against the nitwits out there. More of the abusers are being challenged and brought to light by those who take things seriously. This is a positive sign.

BDSM is about respect. It matters little whether one is hard core into the lifestyle or just one who likes some light bondage. Every person has a place as long as they are respectful of others and what we are about. Sadly, this is not the case for many in the online world. Yet as time passes, people are learning the tricks of these nitwits. With information and knowledge comes protection. This is a positive sign for the genre overall. So, if you are interested, enter into our world and explore whatever strikes you. It is an open arena for anyone to try.

The motivation

Some dominants don’t take the time to think about it, ” whats my internal motivation” to be a Master and a dominant.
when you begin to understand your true motivations for being a Master, you can create a BDSM relationship that works best for your needs, while also training a submissive in the most effective way and also keeping her safe and happy.


Need for Control
Most common to those who want to be a dominant in a BDSM relationship is a need for control. Whether this is a reflection of a lack of control in a dominant’s inner landscape, or not, that’s something for a therapist to decide. What is clear is that there are some people who don’t like to give up control, while there are others who do. A person who wants to continue to be in control will work well as a Master , as they are then in the position where the sub has given them all the control in the relationship. But with this control comes responsibility. The Master needs to exert control over the submissive, not just desire that the submissive gives the control to them.
The Protective Trainer


There are also some dominants that like to protect their submissive, instead of necessarily hurting them or controlling them. This might be a Master  that looks at a submissive as someone who needs to be taught new things and new skills. They are more interested in teaching and molding a submissive into the perfect submissive for me as a owner. This sort of dominant is interested in creating the image they see in their head, and want to do so as it’s what’s best for the submissiv. For them, this training is an act of love and respect for the submissive.

The Desire to Inflict Pain

Of course, the most stereotypical Master is the one that simply likes to give pain to the submissive. They genuinely like to see another person in pain, and this might be their only reason for being in the BDSM world. While there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting this sort of expression, the dominant is going to have to be choosy in who they select for a submissive. To make this sort of internal motivation work in the real world, the submissive also needs to be someone who enjoys receiving pain.

Why Does It Matter?

For some, the idea of looking at their internal motivations might not seem necessary. They just like what they like. At the same time, a dominant who is fully aware of their motivations is one that can step into a more authentic role as a Master. Instead of just playing at being a dominant, in the ways that they’ve seen done in movies and books, the dominant who understands their internal drive will be able to create a BDSM relationship that works best for them.
A dominant that is in tune with their needs is not only going to be a happier dominant, but their passion for what they have to teach their slave will extend into a more productive relationship. Each training session will be exciting, instead of a chore. And the submissive will benefit from being with a dominant who knows what they want.
i personally don’t think it is just one of the options above that gives me the motivation as a dominant, as most Things in life it is the mixtures that create the most exating Picture.
I always say that a good dominant always will find the good submissiv and the good submissive always get what she deserve.
This makes it even more important for me as a dominant to really know my internal motivation.

The personal development

Certainly, where one concentrates will vary depending upon whether that person is dominant or submissive. Nevertheless, each of us has a responsibility to take the necessary steps to ensure we are continually developing. For most, this ought to take place long before getting into a BDSM relationship. I am a firm believer that most BDSM relationships fail simply because the parties involved are woefully equipped to deal with them. Contrary to what the majority of the online community tends to accept, BDSM is not a game that is to be taken lightly. While there are aspects of play which are perfectly acceptable, the truth is that this is something that can cause tremendous harm. The path of destruction left behind by the pretenders is catastrophic.

Personal development mandates that one go inward to uncover the natural qualities which exist within.



This is a primary step that few tend to engage upon. Instead, they feel that having an inclination that he or she is dominant (or submissive) is enough. Sadly, it is not. One needs to reveal where that quality lies and how it affects his or her life. What decisions are made from this? How does it manifest in other areas of life? Is it something that was repressed for decades or does it emerge on a daily basis? What is required to generate fulfillment knowing this quality exists? These are all questions that are basic in nature with answers which are fundamental to the success of a BDSM relationship.

Once the qualities within oneself are uncovered, what is an individual willing to do with this new found knowledge? Reading, learning, and practicing are crucial elements to mastering any craft. BDSM is a lifestyle that differs greatly from the mainstream. Thus, a new set of skills are required if one is going to approach things in a safe manner. One needs to have the motivation and desire to spend the time required learning about the different facets of the lifestyle before putting anything into practice. As I mention umpteen thousands of times, safety is always our primary focus.

Another area I feel is part of the basics of the lifestyle is the psychology behind the structures we establish. Power exchange carries with it a great deal more than just physical manifestations. There is a series of psychological needs that are to be met by each person. One who is willing to delve into this area will be able to understand what is required by each person thus increasing the chance of BDSM success.

The opportunities

BDSM is a way of life that offers areas that are drastically different from what one was previously exposed to. Each time one encounters something new, it is up to him or her to ask “do I like this?”. Again, this is the process of evaluating.

Each of us has a life to live as we see fit. This is a secret that society seems to keep hidden from us. Instead, it offers the a la carte plan where we select from a few different models. However, the reality of life is that our fulfillment and happiness is an individual thing. Every person on this planet, all 7+ billion of us are different. What works for one might not have the same result for another. It is for this reason that we are each responsible for our own path in life.

What is your highest end? How will you achieve happiness, peace, and fulfillment in your journey? In other words, how are you meant to live? These are questions that people have asked themselves for thousands of years. The meaning of life is a search mankind in every generation seeks to answer. As you can guess, there is no consensus answer. This is something that must be done individually.

Opportunities are before us everyday. This is a fact that most overlook. The tendency is for one to “miss the forest through the trees”. Chasing all that society promotes as the means to happiness creates a result where one is left wanting. Taking a step back and looking at what one really wants is crucial. BDSM offers this opportunity. It is my experience that nobody accidentally falls into this lifestyle. Instead, it is a conscious choice achieved only after deep searching.

Choosing to follow the path of BDSM, in whatever manner one selects, is only the start of a process that should continue the rest of one’s life. Everything we encounter needs to be processed. No matter what it is, we need to determine where we stand with it. There are many things that we do not like. What is it about those things that turns us off? Why do we dislike them and what are we willing to do about them? If it is in our control, are we willing to take the steps necessary to make the changes? This is what personal development is all about. Once a problem area is recognized, then it is possible to take steps to alter that. However, to be effective, we must be able to associate enough pain with it the present behavior/situation. If not, any change will be fleeting.


Self actualization is the pursuit of living up to our highest ideal. Being able to grow as an individual is what establishes the foundation for all our interactions. Those who can change and grow are able to master themselves. BDSM is an option that helps open this door for each of us. Embrace it with both arms.

The possibilities

BDSM is about honor and character.  These are terms that are thrown around rather easily yet few seem to truly grasp the magnitude of what they mean.  It is these concepts that tells me BDSM is about holding myself to a higher standard than society accepts.  We are to grow mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and inter-personally.  It is through our daily interactions, both with BDSM and “Vanilla” people, that we show what is deep within us.  Are we acting in manners similar to everyone else?  Do we blindly go through life causing pain wherever we go?  Do we respond to people by giving back what they put out to us?  Or do we hold ourselves to a higher ideal and refuse to lower ourselves to their level?  Childish behavior need not be met with more childish behavior.  At some point, an adult has to emerge.  Taking responsibility for oneself, whether dominant or submissive, if a central tenet.  All control starts with the person you are seeing in the mirror each morning.

The person I am emerges in all the decisions I make throughout the day.  Where am I acting honorably in the things I do on a daily basis and where am I not?  How am I behaving when nobody is watching?  What thoughts pass through my mind when I am alone?  Where do I allow fear to dictate what I do?  Apart from subs and slaves, when it is just me, myself, and I, how do I behave?  Is it more important for me to impress others or remain true to the ideals/principles I established for myself?  In fact, have I truly established a belief system for myself or do I subscribe to what others implant upon me?  Am I a “free” thinker in the sense that I am able to make my own decisions without depending upon the opinions and approval of others?  In short, do I create my own life or have it dictated to me by outside influences, many that exist for that sole purpose?

BDSM is liberating.  It allows us to cast off what society implements which we feel is restricting. Living in the real world means we do not engage in total anarchy in terms of our behavior.  However, in our minds, we develop a thought process that works for us.  We determine our beliefs because we question those things we were taught.  That which is applicable in our lives, we keep; that which is not, is cast aside.

We do not subscribe to blind obedience.  One obeys the person she CHOOSES to obey.  It is a conscious choice she makes.  She opts for this only after determining for herself that he is worthy of being obeyed.  Compare that with society, which through establishment and position, certain institutions and people demand obedience.  It is not consensual nor is it earned.  We see the absurdity in this when one enters this way of life proclaiming to be dominant and then demanding respect and obedience from a sub/slave.  It is rather easy to see through this when it occurs yet few expand their vision out to society at large.  In my view, the absurdity is just as common.  Certainly, there are times when we all have to adhere with what society says.  My point is not to influence mass rebellion especially by those who end up without a clue.  It is, however, to make one aware of when he or she is adhering to societal norms and how it is demanded.  I cannot stress enough that we live within society hence are subject to certain behaviors.  BDSM people are not about throwing the way we live upon those who have no desire to see or be a part of this.  That mindset is us acting like them.  Again, the standard comes into play.  We structure our lives as we see fit while knowing the others have freedom to do the same for themselves.  Our “way” is not right, not the only path, not for all.  In the end, it is the route for us.

It is through enslavement that one finds freedom for herself.
It is through pain that one finds pleasure and release.
It is through surrender that one is empowered.
It is through questioning that one finds answers.
It is through dependence that one can stand on her own two feet.
It is through restriction that all is opened up to us.
It is only through limits that one removes limitations.

BDSM is about infinite possibilities.

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